Trembling

I prayed that God would reveal himself, and he brought me to my knees; I prayed that He would show me the world through His eyes, and he broke my heart; I prayed that God would use me, and he asked for everything I held dear and sent me to Africa. Now, I tremble in His presence.

The fact that Jesus is both a lion and a lamb never really sank in until tonight. I am so completely terrified of Him. I am scared of the calling that he has placed on my life. Yet, in the midst of fear, he love shines. Scripture says that perfect love casts out fear, and He has comforted me in ways I could never have imagined. I picture myself suffering in Africa, yet Jesus takes my hand and brings me to a place of peace in his presence.

I leave in one week, and I have found irony in the prayers that people have prayed over me. There has been a theme of safety in each one. On my way back to school earlier, I really thought about that. I was filled with tears as I thought about how scared I was (okay, I actually cried), and I realized that I was scared because I wouldn't be safe. I was afraid to suffer. However, the more I read God's word, the more I see that it's not safe. Think about this: God saved the world through suffering. Jesus was tortured until he was unrecognizable, then he suffocated on a cross. Not safe. Jesus' disciples were stoned, crucified, flogged, and thrown in prison as they spread the gospel. Not safe. Ever read about Paul? Definitely not safe. So, there's this thing about safety that I'm still wrestling with. Jesus said that in this world, we will have suffering, and people will persecute us for following him. I don't think we can even come close to imagining the depths of that statement here in America. I don't have a conclusion on that, just thoughts.

Please keep praying for me. Pray that God will go before me and lay out a path. One of my own prayers is that God will shout to me, because I feel like I'm too deaf to hear his whisper.